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The Shy Guy Advantage: How to Make It Work for You

Mark isn't the best-looking rooster in the barnyard, but he always seems to have lots of chicks pecking around him. What's the attraction?
Views: 6.535 Created 12/05/2006

Anne and I know a shy guy - her brother. He isn't the best-looking rooster in the barnyard, but he always seems to have lots of chicks pecking around him.

What's the attraction? The mystery, I think. He doesn't say much so women fill in the blanks. Also I think it's refreshing; a relief from the knuckle-dragging Neanderthals out there. They like the challenge of getting him to open up. And, yes, they even ask him out, but he's the three-date strikeout king.

Being shy can work for you at first, but it won't get you what you want in the long run. Women want a man to be confident and assertive. Then they can be a woman! If you don't step up to the plate, you'll bring out the "mother" in them and be relegated to the "friends" category. You'll have lots of female companionship, but no romance.

So keep in mind a little boy you've seen recently, and avoid doing the things that little boys do with their moms - they ask permission, they worry about pleasing her, they never take initiative, they aren't spontaneous, they don't know what they want, and they expect to be taken care of.

You don't need any of that, so make sure you aren't giving the wrong impression.

Dating is frustrating to everyone. I coach men and women both, around emotional intelligence, dating and relationships, and I hear the same thing from both sexes. It's frustration, rejection, confusion, and mystery until it works out, and it will. No one knows what's going on, so just hang in there. Men that have a lot of bravado are just covering it up. No one likes to strike out, but everyone does. If you don't step up to the plate and take a swing, you can't get a home run. It's as simple as that. It gets easier with time, your odds improve as you practice, and the reward is definitely worth it. Eventually you'll see a ball coming over the plate you know is a home run, and you can hit it out of the park.

Here are some tips:

1. Monitor your self-talk.

Keep it positive and affirming. Talk to yourself the way you'd talk to a buddy you wanted to encourage.

2. Monitor the self-talk of other guys.

If it's one thing guys lie about, it's their prowess with women. Every man's in there taking his knocks just like you are.

3. Your emotions don't have to stop you in your tracks.

You can be nervous and keep going. You can be worried about rejection and still take a risk. This is like a workout, building character muscle, aka tolerance for frustration.

4. Start from the inside out.

What are you shy about? Make a list of all you have to offer and believe it. If there's something you need to work on, get some coaching and take care of it. Otherwise, take pride in who you are and stay centered. Not all the women will like you, but you need all the women. You just need HER.

5. Practice where it's safe.

Being outgoing is something you can try with the person next to you in the grocery line. Talk to strangers. Watch outgoing people and see what specific behaviors they do - the eye contact, the tone of voice, the posture, the conversation-starters. It isn't a mystery, it's a set of skills, like a tennis serve.

6. If she asks you out first, that's fine, but you must take charge or you're going to be moved into the "just friends" category.

Take over and be spontaneous. Don't ask her what she wants to do or where she wants to go. Plan something any woman would enjoy and expect her to go along. Use your gut feelings.

7. Don't try and please her all the time.

This gets annoying with time. Just be you and go! Any healthy woman will squawk if she doesn't like something. Otherwise, assume all is well and carry on.

8. Have an opinion and express it.

9. Talk as well as listen.

There's nothing more attractive than someone who gives us their undivided attention, but take your share of it, otherwise she'll see you as a doormat and lose interest. Set your ipod alarm if need be - it's time for you to talk!

10. Kiss her when you feel like it.

It's easier to get forgiveness than permission. She'll let you know when she's ready. Go with your gut.

11. Nobody gets to be on a pedestal.

Whether you're worshiping at her feet, or your own, get down to earth. You're two real people, not actors in a movie. You're not there to judge each other's "date" performance, you're there to enjoy one another and have a good time. Know your stance/alignment and stance/takeoff so you're positioned right, and you can't lose. No matter what happens with her, you will have had a good time, and that's how you build confidence.

12. Practice.

The only way you can get a hole-in-one is to take that bucket of balls out to the shooting range and hit balls for two hours.

Shyness is a combination of innate personality, and insecurity. Your personality's great. Insecurity isn't. You get confidence by training, so get a coach. It's not just for sports any more. They'll put you through the drill and pretty soon you'll be scoring like a star quarterback. Only where it really counts.


Short note about the author

©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc.

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