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I Love Her, but She Just Wants to be Friends - any Advice?

"Here is my problem. I have fallen in love with her. She knows about it, and is not completely opposed to the idea of us dating. However, she doesn't want to lose me as a friend if we were to break up."
Views: 8.596 Created 12/05/2006
Dear Becca:

I have been friends with this girl for about three years. We have become very close over that time. We hang out a lot, we have gotten physical in the past (no sex), but always kept it loose. We even 'sleep together' on occasion.

Here is my problem. I have fallen in love with her. She knows about it, and is not completely opposed to the idea of us dating. However, she doesn't want to lose me as a friend if we were to break up. She has in the past been in situations like ours and has lost good friends because of it. I really want to see what could happen with this relationship. I just have no idea what I should do, because in my heart I know I can't go back. Any ideas?

Sincerely, 'Confused'

Dear Confused:

I have been trying to determine how old you are. You appear to have a good command of grammar. Given the clues in your letter, I am guessing that you are not a young teenager. My advice for someone who is thirteen years of age is different than it would be for an adult.

As human beings, we are very adaptable and can fall in love with more than one personality type. However, puppy love crushes aside, we usually know deep down when we are absolutely devoted to another person.

So, I have to ask you: are you really and truly, body and soul, in love with this girl? She appears to have some kind of affection for you at this point. That could change; but after three years, if love were to flower, there should be at least a blossom sprouting at this point.

Have you lavished gifts on her? Is she stringing you along because she doesn't want the gravy train to stop? Be honest.

How many good friends has she lost in the past? A couple of similar situations may be isolated instances. However, three or more unsuccessful affairs may be evidence of a trend. This girl may be shallow and incapable of a loving relationship right now. Or she may really have been hurt by someone in the past.

You need to sit down with her and discuss her past relationships in depth. Don't let love blind you. Before your discussion, write down or type out some questions. Try to anticipate what she might say and think of more questions - sort of like a computer flowchart. Spend some time with what you have written and try to commit it to memory (not word for word - just the general gist of everything).

The very act of flowcharting may give you some direction and open your mind to possibilities you hadn't previously considered.

If you and the girl cannot come to a meeting of the minds after your heart-to-heart discussion, it might be wise to seek out professional help.

The rest of your life may be at stake here. Use your head - and not the little one - in a mature way.

All the best!


All advice given by Becca is for entertainment purposes only. Please seek professional help for serious problems.


Short note about the author

Becca Bee writes regularly for Advice 4 Daters: http://www.Advice4Daters.com/

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