Dr. Neder, I need your advice.
Hi, I have been dating this girl for about 11 months. She is 22-years-old, beautiful and I guess many men would like to have a girl like that even though she has a 4-year-old boy of four.
In the beginning she tried to take her son with us everywhere we went out, but I told her I didn?t like to have the boy with us every single time. She just came from a very difficult divorce with a violent, alcoholic husband, and her family is a mess.
My problem is that she won't have sex yet even though we have been dating all this time! The only physical contact we have been in has been non-passionate kisses. She keeps saying things have "we have to take things slow", but I see no progress at all! I have never waited so long in any relationship to start the sex part so I'm pretty confused.
She seems entirely focuses on her "many life problems", and as you say, she's a real drama queen.
She says she feels underestimated or like "a sexual object" when I talk about having sex and starts to cry. She claims that I only want her for sex but that is not the case since we have been going out a lot. She doesn?t work but lives from charity from her family and friends.
She also has a lot of male "buddies" and tells me "Many rich and handsome men want to be with me, so you are fortunate I am with you." I get pissed off with her attitude towards me. I know that sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship but is still very important.
What do you think I should do?
Ok, maybe sex isn't the MOST important thing in a relationship but its right up there in the top 3. Would your boss be as interested in keeping you if you only had 2 of the 3 skills he needed? I doubt it.
My brother, I fear you're getting played here. It's obvious that this woman is no virgin - her son being the proof. So, why then is she denying you any sex or even intimacy? In effect, she holds all the cards here and you hold none. That is never good for any healthy relationship.
All of this crying is nothing more than manipulation in order to prevent her from having to give you want you want - and deserve! She plays up the guilt and you fall right into it over and over again. Here you are, entertaining her and her son and being the supportive, caring boyfriend all while she absolutely denies you what a good girlfriend should give. Further, I'm not saying that she doesn't get as much back from sex either! She benefits at least as much - and maybe even more - than you do!
Something really smells fishy here. She appears to be with you only for the entertainment and support you give her. She's not emotionally or physically invested in your "relationship" and it looks like you're just being used.
Here's what I suggest you do: tell her that you don't care if she cries any more. You've extended yourself so far beyond what is reasonable, you've never treated her like a "sex object" and have always been overly considerate of her feelings. She's tried to keep you on a short leash, getting whatever she wants while pushing you away, but you've wised up. From now on, you're going to be dating other women so that you can get the sex you need from someone that really cares about you. She is NOT given the same rights however! If she wants sex, you'd be happy to give it to her.
She's also going to have to understand that you won't be around as much as usual since you need to spend time with someone that is concerned about you and your needs - not just her own. Thus, this will take time and she's just going to have to understand and accept it until she stops being a selfish, self-centered little child.
Sex isn't a favor that one partner in a relationship gives to another. It's something both partners share equally. I strongly urge you to take a hard-stand here. You're being used and your kindness is being exploited. That's not right and you deserve much, much better.
Short note about the author
Dr. Dennis W. Neder is known around the world as a tough, but fair relationship expert, dealing with all sorts of dating, sex and relationship issues from a man's perspective. Having written 3 books ("Being a Man in a Woman's World?" series) and is working on others, hundreds of articles, been on hundreds of radio and TV shows, he is funny, direct and intuitive.
Do you have a burning question that needs an answer? Are you a man that wants to better experiences with women, or a woman that wants to better understand men? To learn more, go to http://beingaman.com