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It's All Your Vault:My Take On Buying A Bank by Timothy Ward

With so much talk about banks being bought and sold in the news lately I decided that maybe I should get involved in this whole bank business.
Views: 1.084 Created 10/30/2008

With so much talk about banks being bought and sold in the news lately I decided that maybe I should get involved in this whole bank business. After all I have about $17.43 saved up and I've been wanting to invest it. Up until now my investment portfolio has been diversified between lap dances and tables dance at the local Booty Shake Shack, but the returns haven't been too favorable as of late, so I think maybe I'll buy a bank. Better still, maybe I can talk you into buying one.

Of course, one doesn't just stroll into a struggling bank, throw $17.43 down on the counter, and demand to buy the bank. You'll get a much more favorable response if you place the $17.43 down on the counter neatly with the money separated by denomination. They like little gestures like this at banks. They also like when you leave the bank pens on the counter where you found them. Bank pen theft is a million dollar a year business. Some experts speculate that if it wasn't for stolen pens Wachovia would have never folded.

When considering buying a bank it's important to consider location, location, location. Buying a bank in the wrong locale is a lot like buying heroin in the wrong locale, sooner or later you're going to get robbed. Of course, with heroin even if you buy it in the right locale (school zones, doctor's offices, Wal-Mart parking lots, etc) you're going to get robbed sooner or later, but at least you'll have the high. If your bank gets robbed there is no high, just lows, as in gunmen telling you to '"get low on the floor and spread'em." All this can be avoided by buying a bank in a more upscale neighborhood where the gunmen are much nicer.

After purchasing your bank I recommend immediately changing the name. You want no lingering reminders of the former bank and it's troubled final days. There are strict rules, however, when it comes to naming banks. You can't just order up a sign that says 'Ned's Bank' and slap it on the front of your building. After all, you don't even know anyone named Ned, and I'm pretty sure slapping buildings with signs it bad for the foundation.

When contemplating re-naming your bank there are several factors that you must keep in mind. (1) You want a name that will confuse the crap out of your clients. For instance, the name South Georgia Bank would not work. Anyone reading it would instantly know that this is a bank in South Georgia. That kind of clarity is akin to counterfeiting in the banking world. A much better choice for you bank name would be GeoBancSouth, or InvestGeorgiaInc, or maybe even SGB Holdings Co-op Inc. None of these names give off even the slightest hint of anything even remotely bank-ish and while this will undoubtedly lead to a decline in clientle, you will appreciate this ambiguity whenever you recall the gunmen we mentioned in Paragraph 3.

Now that the fun parts are over it's time to get down to the everyday ins and outs of running a bank. I think this is where I will gracefully bow out. Yes, it was originally my idea to buy a bank and largely my influence that drove you to take such a drastic step but I feel you can handle it on your own from here on in. If you have any problems just run down to your local bookstore and pick up a copy of one of those do-it-yourself books with names like Running A Bank For Total Idiots, The Slightly Retarded's Guide To Bank Management, or What To Do Now: Life After Your Favorite Humorist Leaves. I'm sure with this kind of support system your bank will be begging for government handouts with the best banks around in no time. And don't worry, from time to time I'm make it a point to drop in and visit your bank. Of course, I'll just be there for the free pens...

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