One of the most shocking, frightening messages a person can get is when their spouse tells them that their marriage is ending because they have found somebody else.
Now normally, my blog posts speak to men as I try to “wake them up” to being the kind of man who knows how to lead he and his wife into a happy, sexual relationship before his wife runs off with another man and then divorces him.
But today, I must speak to wives…
I have no doubt that this will raise some hackles…but I’m just saying…if you care about your marriage, then now is a good time for you to revisit some basics before it’s too late.
“Calle, my husband just told me that he is through with being unhappy with me, that he is in love with some other woman, that he is leaving me, and I will be receiving divorce papers in the next day or two.
I was so surprised and shocked that I literally could not say anything. I’m still trying to grasp and comprehend that this is really happening. I can’t believe after all these years of marriage and our children that he is just going to walk out on us and walk away from everything.
I thought our marriage was great and I thought he was happy being married to me.
Why would he do this to me and our children?
And what kind of slut / whore / tramp would break up our home? What kind of woman would take my husband away from me and our children’s father away from them?
I can’t say I am a super-model but I am considered an attractive woman. Is this other woman prettier than me? Is her figure nicer than mine? Does she have a lot of money? What is it that she has that has drawn my husband to her and away from me?
I don’t understand. I’ve put my entire adult life…I’ve invested my everything into this marriage. What just happened to me?
– Broken-Hearted Wife”
Well, there ARE always exceptions…but after having dealt with women in this situation way too many times, here are seven “common, normal reasons” why a husband will do this to his wife and children:
- Not enough sexual desire, passion, or interest from his wife. Her attitude is that if she’s not in the mood, then he shouldn’t be either. Her attitude is that if she’s not in the mood, then he is a sex-addict and pervert for even being in the mood. And of course, with this kind of attitude, she’s rarely in the mood because she isn’t the least bit interested in LETTING herself get in the mood…especially since she knows her husband is frequently in the mood. Consequently, she has decided her sexuality isn’t important to her at this time in her life so she just subverts it…and expects her husband to subvert his needs like she does.
- His wife prioritizes him as LAST and LEAST in her life. She puts the kids as first and foremost. Her mother and sisters are second-most. Her friends and coworkers are third-most…and after all of that, she is just “too tired” to have any time, interest, or energy for her husband.
- Similarly, it’s common for his wife’s attitude to be that her Dad or some other man is the world’s smartest, wisest man…and he is the world’s stupidest, most foolish man. If he says something, it’s stupid. If her Dad or some other man says the same thing, it’s smart.
- His wife thinks the kids are her “property”…”property” that she gets to call all the shots on. Typically, this means the kids pretty much run wild doing whatever they want whenever they want. Typically, this means the kids are pushed into all kinds of activities and engagements that his wife thinks they should be involved in…to the point that the family’s entire life revolves around the kids. And, if the husband says something about the “overbooking”, he gets accused of being a selfish pig. Or, if he tries to correct or punish the kids for misbehavior, the wife intervenes and interjects…even going so far as to insinuate or threaten him with divorce or DHS if he doesn’t back off and leave the kids alone.
- His wife wants a lot from him and gives back as little as possible to him as she can…and complains about what little she does give him. His wife fully expects him to meet her every material need…but his needs just aren’t important or necessary.
- His wife says she needs all the money they have now…but complains that there is nothing being set aside for the future…and insinuates he is a loser for not having more.
- His wife doesn’t value him, respect him, or appreciate him.
And all of this…plus plenty of other attitudes and behaviors…ranging from disrespectful to devaluing to irritating to downright nasty…add up to an EXHAUSTING DRAIN on a husband that EVENTUALLY he decides is just NOT worth putting up with any more.
A husband tires quickly of being with a woman who does not want to be his wife or lover…he get gets so tired of being with a woman who from all outward appearances doesn’t like him, want him, or appreciate him…that he finally becomes open to some OTHER lady being the woman in his life…and when he finally opens that door in his mind, he finds out that there are a LOT of AVAILABLE ladies out there who WANT to put him first in their life…there are a LOT of ladies out there who WANT to be his lover and sexual partner…there are a LOT of women out there who WANT to value and appreciate him.
Now, you should understand that your husband probably has a hard time being direct, open, and honest with you…just like you have a hard time being that way with him about things that are REAL to you. Most couple’s talk at a surface level and completely hide, avoid, and deny the deeper core issues that really matter. So, IF you were to go ask your husband right now if he’s happy being married to you…he would undoubtedly tell you he is.
But, if the two of you are not sharing exciting sexual encounters 2 – 5 times a week…encounters that you have prepared yourself for and look forward to…
If, you rarely tell or show your husband how much you value and appreciate him…
If you rarely have time or energy for connecting with your husband on an intimate level…
If you think intimacy isn’t all that important…especially to you…
If your husband is the low man on your totem pole…
If your husband’s needs are an irritant and a nuisance to you…and you meet his need just to pacify him…
If you have time and energy for your children, your work, and your family/friends…but not your husband…
If you rarely build up your husband…and frequently condemn, criticize, and tear him down…
Then I promise you, your husband is NOT happy with you…and don’t be surprised when the news of another woman in his life makes its way back to you.
One thing to elaborate on…wives often argue that their kids have to be the most important thing in their life. My response to that is this: you CAN put your kids to the top of your priority list…but what are you going to do when your kids are gone…AND your husband is gone too?
Now, no normal husband expects his wife to ignore the children and focus 100% of her time, interest, and attention upon him…but that’s not likely to be a problem any time soon because the average wife gives her husband less than 5% of her time, interest, and attention…70% to the children…and the rest to her Mom, sisters, and/or girlfriends.
And, a husband who is getting 5% or less of his wife’s attention and affection is LOW-HANGING FRUIT for the hordes of women who WANT to give 70% of their attention and interest to a man who reciprocates their attention and interest.
The good news is that as your husband’s wife, YOU have a lot of control over your husband’s loyalty and faithfulness to you. YOU have the ability to determine what priority he is in your life…and the level of priority you determine he has in your life also determines whether he is “easy pickings” for another woman or not. You can be the lover who values your husband or some other woman will be soon enough.
Copyright 2011, Article by Calle Zorro of MarriedAndHappy.com
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