How does a husband or wife know if they are in a sexless marriage?
Are you in a sexless marriage if you and your partner have sex once a month? Once every two months? Twice a year? What determines if a marriage is a “sexless” marriage?
Well, I hear other people waffling around this question without really answering it…so I’m going to step out and tell you the answer plainly…
If you and your spouse do not purposely find a way to express yourselves sexually WITH each other at LEAST once a week…once every 7 days, THEN YOU ARE IN A SEXLESS MARRIAGE.
Now, I can hear the gasps and whistles and see the eyebrows rising…but here’s the truth…married couples who are in a TRULY happy marriage…one where BOTH the husband AND the wife are genuinely happy…join together in sexual expression AT LEAST 2 – 3 times a week.
Even when happily married couples are separated…perhaps by business travel…or away caring for a family member in need of assistance…they STILL express their sexuality together over the phone or by video.
(Note: Typically, in a sexless marriage, there is one person who wants sex and one person who does not. I’m going to speak towards the person who does not want sex in the remainder of this article. If you are the person who DOES want sex more often, then jump down to the resources listed at the bottom and check out those options.)
So, continuing on…you might say that you are truly happily married and you don’t have sex 2 – 3 times a week…well, I promise you, if your spouse was to expose the truth, THEY ARE NOT HAPPY with YOU!!!
But, in all honesty, if you aren’t having sex 2 – 3 times a week…if you aren’t sexually expressing yourself with someone who wants you to express yourself with them and vice versa, then YOU AREN’T HAPPY ABOUT IT EITHER!
You might say you are…but that’s an excuse…it’s a cover up…you are lying to yourself and to others.
I don’t care what you “claim”, nobody in their right mind starts into life with dreams of living a platonic, passionless, straight-laced, boring-but-safe-and-secure life. Nobody dreams of living their life with a friendly “roommate”. Nobody…and that includes you!
Nobody is interested in watching a movie about two adult people living a nice, quiet, safe, secure, passionless, sexless life that’s void of all excitement. Nobody wants to watch a movie about two dull, dreary people who get up in the morning…all civil and courteous and friendly in their short, shallow, information-only conversations…and then go to their jobs…only to come home and continue in the same monotonous pattern.
And, if you aren’t interested in watching a movie of your life, then you are NOT truly happy about your life…no matter what you say and no matter how much you try to deny it or deceive yourself.
If you are a female, you have NEVER ONCE wanted to read a “romance” novel or watch a soap opera about some man and woman living a platonic, amiable, cordial, friendly, but non-intimate, sexless life together. Not once!
But, people always have their excuses…
They say, “Well, we would do more fun and exciting things if we had more money.” Baloney! You want to see some BORED people? Go to Las Vegas…Sin City…Fun Capital of the World…and walk into any Casino, and look at the faces of people playing the games and gambling with their money…and MOST of them will be the face of boredom.
How can that be? It’s because excitement doesn’t come from money. It doesn’t come from a game. It doesn’t come from being in a certain place. It doesn’t come from being with a certain person. Excitement comes from YOU being EAGER to open up your heart, mind, and body…and EAGERLY sharing it with somebody else who is also EAGER to lay out their heart, mind, and body to be shared with you.
And, when you do this within the God-approved, God-ordained structure of a private marriage relationship, that is when real excitement happens!
And, what better way to lay out hearts, minds, and bodies than to be intimate and sexual with your partner…and them with you? The answer is that there is no better way. That’s why God created sex for married people. If yadi-yadi-blah-blah was a better way, God would have created yadi-yadi-blah-blah — but He didn’t! He created SEX!
The problem is though, people let the fears, insecurities, and offenses they feel in relation to their spouse BLOCK them from laying out their heart, mind, and body…or they use their heart, mind, and body as a bargaining chip for usurping and retaining control over their spouse…and NEITHER of these will make you happy if you engage in them.
I promise you, if you are a husband or wife who habitually withholds sex from your spouse for weeks or months, YOU are NOT a happy person.
So why would you do this?
Why would you even play a game where YOU lose twice? And you DO lose twice…you lose out on the joy and excitement of intimacy now…and you lose out when your spouse finally gets fed up with your game playing and divorces you or cheats on you.
Why would you short-change yourself of satisfaction, fulfillment, enjoyment, and excitement? It’s for sure you wouldn’t let somebody else try to shortchange you of these things…so why would you do it to yourself?
And really, being a non-sexual person is an acute case of dishonesty. You are dishonestly cheating yourself and you are dishonestly defrauding your spouse.
“It’s my spouse’s fault! He/She….”
I’m sure your spouse has their faults and wrong-doings…just as you do…but while you are condemning and judging your spouse…instead of opening your heart, mind, and body to them…while you are trying to “get back at them” in whatever you are trying to do that, you are once again short-changing your own happiness.
The fact is, if you are not CONTRIBUTING to you and your spouse’s “environment”…if you are not being CONDUCIVE to an exciting relationship, then YOU are the block and the hindrance. If you aren’t ACTIVELY HELPING, SUPPORTING, AND ENCOURAGING your spouse to be successful with you…then YOU are the roadblock to YOUR happiness in life.
And, you ARE hurting yourself more than you are hurting your spouse. Yes it hurts your spouse when you won’t participate and cooperate and have a fun, exciting relationship with them…but they will EVENTUALLY get all of that with or without you.
Wouldn’t it just be easier to decide that they CAN HAVE that fun, exciting, and sexual relationship WITH YOU instead of WITHOUT you?
Copyright 2011, Article by Calle Zorro of TheHusbandBook.com
Husband, This Is THE Solution If You Want An Affectionate, Sexual Marriage: www.TheHusbandBook.com
Wife, This Is THE Solution If You Want An Affectionate, Sexual Marriage: www.TheWifeBook.com