How many times have you wanted to talk about something sex-related with your spouse but just could not seem to ever get it out?
How much unhappiness have you experienced … what lackluster results do you continue to experience … because you have not yet been able to say to your spouse what you really want to say about sex?
Or, how many times have you tried to talk about something sex-related with your partner only to have it turn into an unpleasant, unhappy situation?
Whether you need to talk about a fantasy or a desire that you have in the sex-department … or you need to discuss a sex-related problem that is robbing you of satisfaction … it is important that a person be able to openly talk about sex with their husband or wife in such a way that they can effect positive and permanent changes.
Based on this, consider the following tips on how to talk more openly about sex with your husband or wife … and how to do it in such a way that you get good results that improve your marriage relationship with your spouse … and create greater satisfaction for you personally:
- Mitigate embarrassment on both your part and your spouse’s part.
Understand that you have some amount of embarrassment and awkwardness in having sex-related discussions … and that your spouse also feels some amount of embarrassment and awkwardness … perhaps even more than you do … about sex-related discussions.
So, to lessen the embarrassment and awkwardness that your spouse feels, you must FIRST lessen the embarrassment and awkwardness that YOU feel. The more relaxed, calm, and at-ease you are, the more relaxed, calm, and at-ease your spouse can be.
This is super important because if you are nervous, uptight, and on edge while you are trying to have a sex-related discussion with your spouse, then more than anything else, your spouse is going to get the message and feeling that “something is wrong”. And when that happens, it doesn’t matter what you say, the REAL message that “something is wrong” is communicated and conveyed … which means your spouse is going to become negative and defensive … which means you will not get the positive changes and outcomes you want.
- Mitigate insecurities on both your part and your spouse’s part.
Another aspect of helping your spouse talk more openly about sex with you is by becoming aware of your own fears, concerns, insecurities, and inadequacies … from your young adult years all the way up to now … and then being strong enough to speak openly about those things so that your spouse can realize that while the details and particulars may be different, you are very much like them in that you just want to “be enough” for them, you very much want to please them, and that you want to be satisfied and fulfilled too.
Therefore, the less focused you are on your own insecurities, the less your spouse must focus on their insecurities. Stated differently, the more you are focused on mutually-beneficial outcomes and results, and the less you are focused on perceived inadequacies (whether your own or your companion’s), the more likely you are to effect the positive changes you desire.
Now, this can take significant resolve, control, and strength on YOUR part because more often than not, when it comes time to have a sex-related conversation, it is because one person feels cheated and the other feels criticized which means you must take the lead in pulling yourself out of your negative feelings so that you can help your spouse get above their negative feelings.
- Mitigate the fear of loss on both your part and your spouse’s part.
BEFORE you get into a discussion about a sex-related issue, state and affirm that from your perspective, you and your spouse are on the same team and that you want everything to be an absolute win for both members of the team. State and affirm your ongoing commitment to your spouse … and your firm belief in their commitment to you. State and affirm that you want the very best for your spouse … and your firm belief that they want the very best for you too. State and affirm your desire to share and enjoy a long, happy, satisfying, fulfilling life with your spouse … and your belief that they want the same thing with you.
Moreover, be prepared so that you are able to speak about multiple things you really like about your spouse as he or she presently is. This is important because it is hard for a person to be positively motivated to make positive changes when what you are saying … and what they are thinking … is focusing them upon negatives.
Also, in your own mind MAKE SURE that YOU make the SWITCH so that YOU are GENUINELY thinking about a better, happier FUTURE with your spouse instead of an unhappy, dissatisfying PAST … and that you speak from that better future perspective.
- Express confidence in both yourself and your spouse.
Assure your spouse that you are fully confident in their ability to be everything you want them to be for you … and in your ability to be everything they want you to be for them … and that goodwill, learning, practice, commitment, attention, focus, and effort WILL infallibly make all that is good and right even better … and fix anything that needs to be fixed.
On a related note, do not go into a sex-related conversation thinking that you or your spouse is broken, messed up, or weird. Neither one of you is “broken” and to think so is position yourself in a not-very-useful place that will hinder you in effecting the changes you desire.
- Pick the right time to have a sex-related discussion.
This is completely obvious … and yet, people get something on their mind … and that something really starts “bugging” them … and before long, they are spewing, dumping, and unloading at the worst possible time and in the worst possible way.
Do not let yourself fall into this snare as it will only make it more difficult for you to effect the changes you desire. Take control of your mind, your thoughts, and your emotions so that they serve you in a useful way instead of making your life harder.
- Know what you DO want as well as what you do not want.
Too many times, people know what they do not want … and that is all they know because that is what emotionally consumes them. So, make sure you devote time to understanding yourself what it is that you really want … and why you want it … and understand what you want well enough that you can clearly articulate it in a warm, loving way that is not critical or offensive.
Related to this, speak about what you want in positive terms. It is self-evident that a statement like, “I don’t like it when you don’t kiss me very often” will not be nearly as inspiring or motivating as something like, “I would like for both of us to find a way to enjoy kissing each other more often“.
- Stay strong, firm, courageous, confident, and resolute.
Any time there is something unpleasant to be handled or addressed, people have a major tendency to try to set it aside. You will likely encounter this tendency with your spouse. As you attempt to set up a sex-related conversation with your spouse, they will likely try to sidestep it, procrastinate on it, or push it off to some later time.
Knowing that this is likely to happen, you must be emotionally prepared to be firm and determined about having this conversation. You must be ready so that you are not pushed away or brushed off.
This is important because all too often, what happens is that a person initiates a conversation with their spouse, their spouse avoids or procrastinates, and then the person goes away thinking their spouse doesn’t care about them, doesn’t love them, and isn’t interested in them.
The TRUTH is that the spouse would rather avoid facing their weaknesses because it is easier and less stressful than doing the work to make the improvements that are needed.
Of course, you don’t want to position yourself in an adversarial way, so that is why you want to show strength and firmness … which will convey to your partner that you are serious and that this is a discussion that will be treated with the seriousness that is appropriate and necessary.
There is another element that can come into play…
Sometimes, when a spouse realizes that they cannot ignore or get out of a conversation, they may try to shut you down and stop you cold by counter-attacking you.
If this happens, you simply acknowledge that you are completely open to discussing and resolving all issues in a manner that is satisfactory to both of you … but that you are not going to let other issues distract either one of you from addressing one thing at a time … starting with the issues you have already raised … and when those are resolved, THEN the two of you can move to the next set of issues to resolve.
Keep these 7 tips in mind for the next time you need to speak with your spouse about something of a sexual nature.
Copyright © 2011 by Calle Zorro of MarriedAndHappy.com
Calle Zorro helps men create and maintain the happy, affectionate, and intimate marriage relationship with their wife that they really want...he helps men expose the attractive MAN that's hidden away inside of them...the kind of man their wife DREAMS of being intimate with...the kind of man their wife WANTS to be close to. http://www.MarriedAndHappy.com